Yes, from syrup to Avril Lavigne, Canada sure is the bees knees when it comes to countries to be envious of. But despite Canada's lack of "real country" influence in the international realm, the half-nation continues to claim that it has "at least as much culture and heritage as Iowa."
Perhaps it's the world's inability to give a shit about Canada that has compelled so many Americans to make the tourist conversion. Brian Carter, mountain biking enthusiast and avid tourist, explains the paradox of an American pretending to be Canadian. "As an American tourist you always have to answer questions like 'Do you live in New York City?' or 'Are you Lebron James?' or 'How dare your country police the globe?! I'll kill you!' But as a Canadian people tend to ignore you. Maybe they just assume you lack the intelligence to converse."
But whatever the logic behind the seemingly uncool move, Americans keep pretending to be Canadian, and Canadians keep on pissing the world off just enough to be ignored instead of attacked. This begs the question that is undoubtedly on everyone's mind: why not invade Canada, violently overthrow their government, and begin the construction of New America? A nation with cities built to spell NEW-S-A when viewed from space. The Great Wall of China can fuck off.
Authorities believe the incident that triggered Canada's self-hyping whine took place in a small town in Finland two days earlier. Canadian officials couldn't sleep for days after an American tourist wearing a Canada hockey jersey broke his leg trying to ice-skate at a local lake.
Jonah Finky, assistant to the Mayor of Whitehorse, found himself contemplating suicide after the particularly embarrassing event. "If we lose hockey... if we lose the ice... we lose all hopes of relevancy and the perks that go along with it!"
When that day finally comes, we will be just years away from New America.
