Obituaries

Interesting Man Dies Uninteresting Death

  Josh Keller was an avid skydiver, cave-diver, and muff-diver. He wrangled cattle, ran with the bulls, and raped a woman so diseased that when a friend borrowed a bra she immediately went blind with syphilis. But on June 23rd, between interesting activities, Keller died a mundane death.

  Angela Keller, Josh's mother, notes, "That wasn't like Josh at all to die like that. He's usually so interesting." But just two weeks ago, seemingly void of surprise or intrigue, Josh Keller was struck with a heart attack in his average house while wearing a boring grey t-shirt and blue jeans.

  Friends gathered to reminisce at Keller's now empty residence. "Everything Josh did was interesting," recalled long-time friend Bobby Buschelli. "Except this boring death. He could have at least died while on the way to do something interesting."

  Keller's children echoed Buschelli's emotions as a recent pinky-swear declared referring to their somewhat-less-interesting-now father's death as anything but 'lame' was a $5 fine.

80-Year Old Cancer Patient Dies of Heart Disease

  Patrick Weston, 80-year old Warsaw, MA resident and long-time cancer patient, finally lost his struggle with heart disease. Family members declared that Weston would be "honored like a cancer victim."

Gambler Bets He Can Survive 12-story Fall

  Notorious Heartstown, PA gambling addict Samuel Flint died Wednesday shortly after betting friends he could survive a fall from the roof of a 12-story building. Tim Jenkins, co-worker and winner of the bet, used the profits in Flint's honor when later that week he shoved it into the hootch of a dirty stripper.

Celebrity Fallout: Eminem Accidentally Raps About Being a Pedophile

  The world was recently treated to what Time Magazine has dubbed "The Ultimate Celebrity Blunder" when star rapper Eminem accidentally rapped about being a pedophile at a concert in New Jersey. While Eminem denied the incident, video footage and multiple audio sources all confirm that the New Jersey performance of the smash hit Just Lose It blatantly declares Eminem's love for little boys.

  Indiana University psychology professor Robert Uldrige offered an explanation for the rapper's miscue. "It is not uncommon for a man or a woman to have what we call a Freudian Slip. This is where we say something that we do not mean as a result of a repressed subconscious desire."

  What's this mean? Lock up your children: an angry celebrity pedophile is on the loose! Community watch groups and PTA organizations around the country are gearing up for what some are referring to as "World War III-Year Old Boy."

  Donna Purdy, 17-year old single mother and lifelong Bloomington South resident, is calling concerned citizens to action. "We have to protect our children!"Purdy ironically cried just 9 months after failing a self-taught hanger abortion. "Children LOVE celebrities! Celebrities LOVE having sex with children! Our children are going to have sex with celebrities! Ahhhhh!"

  Studies have shown that Purdy is right. 9 out of 10 high school girls said they would have sex with a celebrity if he texted her. And 9 out of 10 high school boys said they would have sex with a celebrity if he got them out of school for the day. With kids so willing to have sex with celebrities, the world cannot afford for celebrities to chub around children.

  So what can we do to stop this onslaught of celebrity lust? Chloe Ferguson, publicist for Seventeen magazine, has a theory. "The only weapon on Earth strong enough to defeat celebrities is more celebrities. But the last thing we want to do is create more pedophiles. We need to find a way to convert these talented pedophiles back to a non-pedophilic state."

  But as simple as Ferguson's solution seems, there's a catch. "The only problem is celebrities are chameleons. As soon as one can sing they all can. As soon as one gets a baby they all do! And as soon as one starts raping young boys they all will. We need to make it cool again to not rape little kids after soccer practice."

  And a man in Ann Arbor, Michigan may have found the solution to America's infestation of horny, boy-loving celebrities. Martin Hodges logged on to a make-your-own t-shirt website, ordered two thousand various anti-raping shirts, and booked a ticket to Hollywood. Less than one month later Martin was out of shirts, and Hollywood children were a little less likely to get sodomized.

  It is now difficult to walk down Hollywood Boulevard without seeing one of Hodges witty, anti-rape shirts on a celebrity, most likely only refraining from forcing themselves on the young boy by the ice cream truck because of the strong message of the shirt. From "I only act rape. Not for real," to "We all get raped by gas prices... let's not make the young boys of the world get raped twice," celebrities across the nation are spreading the good word of Hodge's, "There's no rape in actor," clothing campaign. And with the national government completely out of ideas to put a stop to pedophilia, the nation's best hopes rest on these magical, "I think you're rape! I mean great! Rape is bad!" hoodies.

  Hodges can now be found selling "Fuck Ohio State" t-shirts outside of Michigan Stadium after Wolverine home games.