Wal-Mart to Accept "Whatever is in Your Pocket" as Valid Payment

Birmingham, AL

In a floundering economy retailers everywhere are being forced to reconsider their profit models. Kohl's is bringing in product just to mark it down. K-mart has found a way to lose money with every sale while somehow staying in business. And it seems not even Wal-Mart is immune to the recession as, in an effort to gain market share, Wal-Mart made one of the boldest moves in retail history. In a press release last week the retail giant announced that it will begin accepting whatever is in the guest's pocket as valid payment for any good in the store.

Wal-Mart President and CEO Mike Duke expanded on the idea in a recent CNN interview. "We realized that guests want to buy our products, but they often can't afford to pay us our already low-low prices. So, beginning on August 30th, we will accept whatever is in a guest's pocket as valid legal tender for any product in the store."

Economists everywhere are hailing the decision as "the most forward looking move in retail history." A quick look at the economic history of humanity reveals a very simple truth: even currency is based on a system of supply and demand. For example, a single, one-hundred dollar bill is worth more than a one-dollar bill as a result of rarity. A person is less likely to obtain a one-hundred dollar bill, so they desire it more. Operating under this logic, Wal-Mart very well may have identified a gold mine.

"No one knows how many bobby-pins or pennies there are in the world. But if we collect them all it stands to reason they'll be worth a ton!" Duke emphatically declared. "If anyone ever wants a penny they'll have to buy it from Wal-Mart for a dollar!"

An internet poll the next day returned alarming results as 78% of participants chose "The Devil Incarnate" when asked the question "What phrase most closely describes Wal-Mart." The other options included "A great place to shop," "The place I go when I'm bored," and "A company." Perhaps more alarming was the overwhelming response of "God damn right I would!" to the question "If Wal-Mart were the Devil Incarnate, would you continue to shop there for a good deal on cheap shit?"

Whatever Wal-Mart's motive for the addition of pocket lint to its list of accepted forms of payment, the strategy may actually work. In cities across the country fashionless, coked-out hicks are lining up at the retail giant's doors just waiting to buy more child-labor hoodies instead of frivolous necessities like shampoo or clean socks. So it seems - unless one of a competitor's smarter, more successful customers realizes they can buy everything in the store if they cut up a piece of paper small enough - Wal-Mart may be unstoppable.