Wal-Mart to Accept "Whatever is in Your Pocket" as Valid Payment

Birmingham, AL

In a floundering economy retailers everywhere are being forced to reconsider their profit models. Kohl's is bringing in product just to mark it down. K-mart has found a way to lose money with every sale while somehow staying in business. And it seems not even Wal-Mart is immune to the recession as, in an effort to gain market share, Wal-Mart made one of the boldest moves in retail history. In a press release last week the retail giant announced that it will begin accepting whatever is in the guest's pocket as valid payment for any good in the store.

Wal-Mart President and CEO Mike Duke expanded on the idea in a recent CNN interview. "We realized that guests want to buy our products, but they often can't afford to pay us our already low-low prices. So, beginning on August 30th, we will accept whatever is in a guest's pocket as valid legal tender for any product in the store."

Economists everywhere are hailing the decision as "the most forward looking move in retail history." A quick look at the economic history of humanity reveals a very simple truth: even currency is based on a system of supply and demand. For example, a single, one-hundred dollar bill is worth more than a one-dollar bill as a result of rarity. A person is less likely to obtain a one-hundred dollar bill, so they desire it more. Operating under this logic, Wal-Mart very well may have identified a gold mine.

"No one knows how many bobby-pins or pennies there are in the world. But if we collect them all it stands to reason they'll be worth a ton!" Duke emphatically declared. "If anyone ever wants a penny they'll have to buy it from Wal-Mart for a dollar!"

An internet poll the next day returned alarming results as 78% of participants chose "The Devil Incarnate" when asked the question "What phrase most closely describes Wal-Mart." The other options included "A great place to shop," "The place I go when I'm bored," and "A company." Perhaps more alarming was the overwhelming response of "God damn right I would!" to the question "If Wal-Mart were the Devil Incarnate, would you continue to shop there for a good deal on cheap shit?"

Whatever Wal-Mart's motive for the addition of pocket lint to its list of accepted forms of payment, the strategy may actually work. In cities across the country fashionless, coked-out hicks are lining up at the retail giant's doors just waiting to buy more child-labor hoodies instead of frivolous necessities like shampoo or clean socks. So it seems - unless one of a competitor's smarter, more successful customers realizes they can buy everything in the store if they cut up a piece of paper small enough - Wal-Mart may be unstoppable.

Patriot Post: Canadian Government Speaks Out Against American Tourists Pretending to Be Canadian

  In his annual "Yes, We're A Country" reassurance speech, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper spoke out against the recent influx of American tourists pretending to be Canadian. "Quite frankly, we're fed up with it," Harper declared, "and we're tired of Americans tarnishing the good name of Canada."

  Yes, from syrup to Avril Lavigne, Canada sure is the bees knees when it comes to countries to be envious of. But despite Canada's lack of "real country" influence in the international realm, the half-nation continues to claim that it has "at least as much culture and heritage as Iowa."

  Perhaps it's the world's inability to give a shit about Canada that has compelled so many Americans to make the tourist conversion. Brian Carter, mountain biking enthusiast and avid tourist, explains the paradox of an American pretending to be Canadian. "As an American tourist you always have to answer questions like 'Do you live in New York City?' or 'Are you Lebron James?' or 'How dare your country police the globe?! I'll kill you!' But as a Canadian people tend to ignore you. Maybe they just assume you lack the intelligence to converse."

  But whatever the logic behind the seemingly uncool move, Americans keep pretending to be Canadian, and Canadians keep on pissing the world off just enough to be ignored instead of attacked. This begs the question that is undoubtedly on everyone's mind: why not invade Canada, violently overthrow their government, and begin the construction of New America? A nation with cities built to spell NEW-S-A when viewed from space. The Great Wall of China can fuck off.

  Authorities believe the incident that triggered Canada's self-hyping whine took place in a small town in Finland two days earlier. Canadian officials couldn't sleep for days after an American tourist wearing a Canada hockey jersey broke his leg trying to ice-skate at a local lake.

  Jonah Finky, assistant to the Mayor of Whitehorse, found himself contemplating suicide after the particularly embarrassing event. "If we lose hockey... if we lose the ice... we lose all hopes of relevancy and the perks that go along with it!"

  When that day finally comes, we will be just years away from New America.

Patriot Post:US Adopts Liechtenstein!

  Last Thursday, in the true spirit of Angelina Jolie, the United States government adopted the small country of Liechtenstein and "couldn't be more excited about the little guy!"

  Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, loser of the Democratic Primary and numerous beauty pageants, believes the adoption is exactly what the American people need. "We now have a baby brother, my fellow Americans," Hillary unattractively croaked during a recent CNN interview, "and with that, the opportunity to share our patriotism and shape his inconsequential future."

  But despite what congressmen say is the solution to all of America's care-taking defects, the adoption has been widely criticized by the media. Steven Colbert gibed on an episode of his hit Comedy Central show The Colbert Report that the US could now "pick up twice the chicks with half the diplomacy."

  The US pinky-swears to care for the inadequate nation to the point of military dominance.

Obituaries

Interesting Man Dies Uninteresting Death

  Josh Keller was an avid skydiver, cave-diver, and muff-diver. He wrangled cattle, ran with the bulls, and raped a woman so diseased that when a friend borrowed a bra she immediately went blind with syphilis. But on June 23rd, between interesting activities, Keller died a mundane death.

  Angela Keller, Josh's mother, notes, "That wasn't like Josh at all to die like that. He's usually so interesting." But just two weeks ago, seemingly void of surprise or intrigue, Josh Keller was struck with a heart attack in his average house while wearing a boring grey t-shirt and blue jeans.

  Friends gathered to reminisce at Keller's now empty residence. "Everything Josh did was interesting," recalled long-time friend Bobby Buschelli. "Except this boring death. He could have at least died while on the way to do something interesting."

  Keller's children echoed Buschelli's emotions as a recent pinky-swear declared referring to their somewhat-less-interesting-now father's death as anything but 'lame' was a $5 fine.

80-Year Old Cancer Patient Dies of Heart Disease

  Patrick Weston, 80-year old Warsaw, MA resident and long-time cancer patient, finally lost his struggle with heart disease. Family members declared that Weston would be "honored like a cancer victim."

Gambler Bets He Can Survive 12-story Fall

  Notorious Heartstown, PA gambling addict Samuel Flint died Wednesday shortly after betting friends he could survive a fall from the roof of a 12-story building. Tim Jenkins, co-worker and winner of the bet, used the profits in Flint's honor when later that week he shoved it into the hootch of a dirty stripper.

Celebrity Fallout: Eminem Accidentally Raps About Being a Pedophile

  The world was recently treated to what Time Magazine has dubbed "The Ultimate Celebrity Blunder" when star rapper Eminem accidentally rapped about being a pedophile at a concert in New Jersey. While Eminem denied the incident, video footage and multiple audio sources all confirm that the New Jersey performance of the smash hit Just Lose It blatantly declares Eminem's love for little boys.

  Indiana University psychology professor Robert Uldrige offered an explanation for the rapper's miscue. "It is not uncommon for a man or a woman to have what we call a Freudian Slip. This is where we say something that we do not mean as a result of a repressed subconscious desire."

  What's this mean? Lock up your children: an angry celebrity pedophile is on the loose! Community watch groups and PTA organizations around the country are gearing up for what some are referring to as "World War III-Year Old Boy."

  Donna Purdy, 17-year old single mother and lifelong Bloomington South resident, is calling concerned citizens to action. "We have to protect our children!"Purdy ironically cried just 9 months after failing a self-taught hanger abortion. "Children LOVE celebrities! Celebrities LOVE having sex with children! Our children are going to have sex with celebrities! Ahhhhh!"

  Studies have shown that Purdy is right. 9 out of 10 high school girls said they would have sex with a celebrity if he texted her. And 9 out of 10 high school boys said they would have sex with a celebrity if he got them out of school for the day. With kids so willing to have sex with celebrities, the world cannot afford for celebrities to chub around children.

  So what can we do to stop this onslaught of celebrity lust? Chloe Ferguson, publicist for Seventeen magazine, has a theory. "The only weapon on Earth strong enough to defeat celebrities is more celebrities. But the last thing we want to do is create more pedophiles. We need to find a way to convert these talented pedophiles back to a non-pedophilic state."

  But as simple as Ferguson's solution seems, there's a catch. "The only problem is celebrities are chameleons. As soon as one can sing they all can. As soon as one gets a baby they all do! And as soon as one starts raping young boys they all will. We need to make it cool again to not rape little kids after soccer practice."

  And a man in Ann Arbor, Michigan may have found the solution to America's infestation of horny, boy-loving celebrities. Martin Hodges logged on to a make-your-own t-shirt website, ordered two thousand various anti-raping shirts, and booked a ticket to Hollywood. Less than one month later Martin was out of shirts, and Hollywood children were a little less likely to get sodomized.

  It is now difficult to walk down Hollywood Boulevard without seeing one of Hodges witty, anti-rape shirts on a celebrity, most likely only refraining from forcing themselves on the young boy by the ice cream truck because of the strong message of the shirt. From "I only act rape. Not for real," to "We all get raped by gas prices... let's not make the young boys of the world get raped twice," celebrities across the nation are spreading the good word of Hodge's, "There's no rape in actor," clothing campaign. And with the national government completely out of ideas to put a stop to pedophilia, the nation's best hopes rest on these magical, "I think you're rape! I mean great! Rape is bad!" hoodies.

  Hodges can now be found selling "Fuck Ohio State" t-shirts outside of Michigan Stadium after Wolverine home games.

Most Satisfying Poop Ever!

Boston, MA

  Every guy loves to poop. And every guy loves spy movies. I just combined the two and had the most satisfying poop ever!

  To start, I was feeling pretty gassy, but a little sneaky, too. I knew that I only had a little time, but some adventure always helps heighten your poop sensitivity. So I decided to go into work for some "overtime." Hahaha, they'll never expect it!

  I decided to walk to work to get the juices flowing. Nothing makes you want to poop like a 2 mile walk and half-a-dozen cigarettes. As I approach the building I arrive at my first hurdle. The door. I don't have weekend access to the building, but I also can't hack into the mainframe and unlock the doors on the perimeter. Shit. I knew this would happen.

  "Excuse me."

  A woman I don't know walks out the door. Bingo. Luck favors the prepared, and I've been planning this poop for four months.

  I walk into the building with a little bit of a swagger. Not like TI swaggers. No. No one on the corner can swagger like him. But the swagger of a gentleman who is prepared to play a little trickery on some unsuspecting co-workers.

  Before I go on I should take some time to clarify. I take a mean poop. I mean angry. If Chuck Norris took a poop, my poop would sneak attack it. When you've got it, you've got it. Also, I name my poops. Not every individual poop, of course, but the aura of the poop. Today was going to be a nice little guy known as "The Lingering Messiah." Let there be peace, my friends.

  So with The Messiah on board I knew this would be an epic bowel movement. Epic like The Odyssey, only more epic than that. And if executed properly it would be the talk of the office on Monday. God I'm good. I'm so good I'm like an unexpected crappy pun.

  I'm inside the building and my favorite guard is on duty. Haha, duty. I've been making idle conversation with all of the security guards lately to ensure easy access to the office on just this occasion. I chat briefly with Security Guard Carl before asking if I can get in to grab a few papers I accidentally forgot. After a few tense seconds Carl obliged. Good thing, too. I didn't want to have to go secret agent on Carl. If I broke his neck I'd have to hide the body, and I didn't know if I could hold in the poop for that long.

  After getting past Carl I was sure I would be pooping in no time. If you are anything like me you are careful with how relaxed you get when a poop is coming. On a need-to-poop scale of 1-10 (1 being no need and 10 being Alli and donuts) a focused 4 becomes a 9 if you become too relaxed. But I had just cleared my last obstacle, so I let my guard down. Mistake #1.

  I find myself in an 8 situation. At an 8 you have to hasten your pace in order to make it to the bathroom with enough time to wipe the seat off before you sit. Needless to say, I was no longer sauntering. But as I turn the corner toward the bathroom entrance I hear the printer. Shit! Someone's here! I quickly rack my brain to see if there is another entrance to the bathroom, but no luck. One way in. One way out. My heart begins to speed up.

  I know that the only way I can poop in peace is to eliminate all distractions. So I use my spy-brain to invent a plan. I'm a spy and an inventor. Fuck you, Bourne. But stopping a poop countdown is like stopping a piss mid-stream. It's disheartening and your stomach starts to hurt. Time is short.

  Fortunately I had a few aces up my sleeve. I knew I'd have to ditch my phone sooner or later if I wanted 100% of my focus to be on pooping, so I scuttled over to my desk and set my phone alarm for 1 minute later. I speed-walk back to my hiding place around the corner from the bathroom and watch my plan unfurl. Like clockwork a minute passes and I hear my phone alarm start going off. I hear footsteps as the diligent employee goes to discover the source of the noise. Wasting no time relishing my victory I make my move - I'm at a 9 now and that speed-walk nearly pushed me over the edge.

  I rush into the bathroom, make a b-line for the handicap stall, and I'm in. My 8 becomes a great as my plan comes to fruition. As is tradition with The Lingering Messiah, I say a little prayer of thanks for these gifts I'm about to give.

  Everything is going well when I realize there is no toilet paper. Rookie mistake #2. I always spot before I squat. I must be stressed. I cough a little bit, trying to see if I can hear anyone else in the bathroom. No one. Perfect. I shuffle to the next stall and execute a little thievery. One roll of TP? Check. I shuffle back to my stall and fall back on the seat. That was the toughest fifteen seconds of my life.

  One more step and I'll finally be able to poop. I pull a short story from my pocket. A poop is only as good as the reading material, I always say. If it is too short you are left with nothing to do. If it is too long you don't get to finish and you have to drag out the poop to the point of frustration. This story is perfect - not too short, not too long, and mindless enough to allow me to maintain my poop focus.

  Ten minutes and one Messiah later I exit the building, a smile on my face as spacious as the leg room in the handicap stall. Success. On my way home I treat myself to a Chipotle burrito in preparation for the evening. No rest for the weary. 

  

Sam's Club to Be Renamed "Heman Woman Haters' Club"

Bentonville, AR

  Sam's Club CEO Mike Duke announced Wednesday at the Annual Company Forum that the company will be revamping its membership requirements, along with its name. Beginning September 15th, Sam's Club will become the Heman Woman Haters' Club (HWHC) and membership will no longer depend on paying club fees, but whether the applicant meets a long list of requirements, from personality to physical traits and talents.

  Retail Week deputy editor George MacDonald notes that the exclusivity of the most respected clubs and organizations in the world directly correlates to the loyalty members maintain to that group over time. And if the HWHC is able to restrict its membership to a select few individuals it is likely they will see drastic increases in repeat customers and company loyalty.

  Operating under this philosophy, the Club will tighten its acceptance standards in order to focus on a core group of guests. Duke announced, "We think we can improve customer service at least twenty percent by only admitting a small percentage of applicants." When asked just how exclusive the Club would become, Duke said the average HWHC location could anticipate about 14 guests in any given day.

  The HWHC's new website details the specifications for membership and the common interests of the less than twenty members. "Any less than ten guests per store and our employees may become lethargic. Any more than twenty-five and we could expect decreased customer service."

  With the focus of companies in the current recession on customer care, the Heman Woman Haters' Club has raised the bar among retailers. From customer advice forums online to monthly poker games at Vice President Rolando Rodriguez's house, the newly revamped HWHC is offering every customer, from rich to slightly less rich (the poor are not eligible for membership), a say in how the company is run. And according to Rodriguez, that say starts now.

  "The average Sam's Club guest might come shopping for anything from Lean Cuisine to toilet paper to beer. But statistics indicate the average Heman Woman Hater only wants premium malt whiskey and single blade razors." Rodriguez then announced plans for the company to reduce the number of items it carries from 14,098 to just 53 by next July.

  Items remaining in the stores will be the most consistently purchased and demanded by the average Heman Woman Hater, according to the HWHC website. These items will come from 14 key areas of interest for the HWHC member: porterhouse steaks; hatchets; Chivas Scotch-whiskey; Busch beer; Gillette single-blade razors; trucker hats; Copenhagan chewing tobacco; Marlboro cigarettes; pistols; pornographic movies; footballs; sports coats; Samuel L. Jackson movies; and body paint.

  Membership admittance will depend on personal, emotional, and physical requirements. Individuals will be judged on the following criteria: sense of humor; ability to lie convincingly; sexual preference; emotional stability; tact; gender; height and weight; wealth; timed 60-meter shuttle run; heritage; snacking preferences; business-card style (if no business card can be provided, an arm-wrestling competition will determine how compelling a potential member can probably be); ability to grow facial hair; and whether or not the applicant can answer the question, 'Who would win - Ditka or a Hurricane?'

  Accompanying plans to narrow the selection process for members, the new HWHC has begun construction on three new stores referred to as "Clubhouses." Each Clubhouse will be constructed at the top of a giant redwood in the Sequioa National Park in California. environmentalists have spoken out against the Heman Woman Haters' Club for the massive deforestation that Operation Clubhouse will require. Duke quickly dismissed the accusations of irresponsibility, noting that "the damn treehuggers could never join our club anyway."

  Of the more than 500 Sam's Club locations nationwide, 300 are expected to have been converted to Heman Woman Haters Clubs by 2011, with the remaining 200 following within the next year. Every store entrance will be displaying the new company maxim of "No Girls Allowed" before the holiday season. Any girl attempting to gain entrance will be greeted by a waterballoon pelting, hoots and hollers, and the passing of gas.