Sam's Club CEO Mike Duke announced Wednesday at the Annual Company Forum that the company will be revamping its membership requirements, along with its name. Beginning September 15th, Sam's Club will become the Heman Woman Haters' Club (HWHC) and membership will no longer depend on paying club fees, but whether the applicant meets a long list of requirements, from personality to physical traits and talents.
Retail Week deputy editor George MacDonald notes that the exclusivity of the most respected clubs and organizations in the world directly correlates to the loyalty members maintain to that group over time. And if the HWHC is able to restrict its membership to a select few individuals it is likely they will see drastic increases in repeat customers and company loyalty.
Operating under this philosophy, the Club will tighten its acceptance standards in order to focus on a core group of guests. Duke announced, "We think we can improve customer service at least twenty percent by only admitting a small percentage of applicants." When asked just how exclusive the Club would become, Duke said the average HWHC location could anticipate about 14 guests in any given day.
The HWHC's new website details the specifications for membership and the common interests of the less than twenty members. "Any less than ten guests per store and our employees may become lethargic. Any more than twenty-five and we could expect decreased customer service."
With the focus of companies in the current recession on customer care, the Heman Woman Haters' Club has raised the bar among retailers. From customer advice forums online to monthly poker games at Vice President Rolando Rodriguez's house, the newly revamped HWHC is offering every customer, from rich to slightly less rich (the poor are not eligible for membership), a say in how the company is run. And according to Rodriguez, that say starts now.
"The average Sam's Club guest might come shopping for anything from Lean Cuisine to toilet paper to beer. But statistics indicate the average Heman Woman Hater only wants premium malt whiskey and single blade razors." Rodriguez then announced plans for the company to reduce the number of items it carries from 14,098 to just 53 by next July.
Items remaining in the stores will be the most consistently purchased and demanded by the average Heman Woman Hater, according to the HWHC website. These items will come from 14 key areas of interest for the HWHC member: porterhouse steaks; hatchets; Chivas Scotch-whiskey; Busch beer; Gillette single-blade razors; trucker hats; Copenhagan chewing tobacco; Marlboro cigarettes; pistols; pornographic movies; footballs; sports coats; Samuel L. Jackson movies; and body paint.
Membership admittance will depend on personal, emotional, and physical requirements. Individuals will be judged on the following criteria: sense of humor; ability to lie convincingly; sexual preference; emotional stability; tact; gender; height and weight; wealth; timed 60-meter shuttle run; heritage; snacking preferences; business-card style (if no business card can be provided, an arm-wrestling competition will determine how compelling a potential member can probably be); ability to grow facial hair; and whether or not the applicant can answer the question, 'Who would win - Ditka or a Hurricane?'
Accompanying plans to narrow the selection process for members, the new HWHC has begun construction on three new stores referred to as "Clubhouses." Each Clubhouse will be constructed at the top of a giant redwood in the Sequioa National Park in California. environmentalists have spoken out against the Heman Woman Haters' Club for the massive deforestation that Operation Clubhouse will require. Duke quickly dismissed the accusations of irresponsibility, noting that "the damn treehuggers could never join our club anyway."
Of the more than 500 Sam's Club locations nationwide, 300 are expected to have been converted to Heman Woman Haters Clubs by 2011, with the remaining 200 following within the next year. Every store entrance will be displaying the new company maxim of "No Girls Allowed" before the holiday season. Any girl attempting to gain entrance will be greeted by a waterballoon pelting, hoots and hollers, and the passing of gas.
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