Opinion
By: Superman So I was flying around today - that's right, flying - when I heard with my super hearing a debate on who is better: Superman or Spiderman. Well let me tell you something: Spiderman is a pussy.
Sure swinging from webs and climbing up walls would be cool... if you like little boys. Me? I'd rather punch through a wall with my superhuman strength or outrun a bullet. And if my chili ever gets cold I'll just zap it with my laser eyes to give it a quick reheat. Why am I such a badass? I can't help it. I break bitches.
I'll give a few examples of my being the shit for you to consider. Yes I am more powerful than a locomotive and can jump over buildings, but did you know I outran the Flash? And how about the fact that I have been shot in the eye before and proceeded to yawn. When's the last time Spiderman was shot in the eye? Probably never.
And doesn't a spider have eight legs? How can I respect a "Spider" man when he doesn't even have the correct number of appendages. That's right, I said appendages instead of limbs or legs. Guess that whiny slut Peter Parker isn't so smart now, is he?
And what the hell is the deal with his web? He creates it himself! It's not even a super-power. All the guy does is cling to things. How about he clings to my jock then steps aside so a real superhero can save people and knock shit down.
Sidenote: Mary-Jane is a slut.
So masks are for perverts and bank robbers. You know what I do to bank robbers? I wrap them up in steel bars until they cry. Then I laugh heartily. That's just how I roll. And by roll I mean fly. I can fly higher than buildings. I can fly in space. I don't even need oxygen. I breathe pure badass.
What can Spiderman do that I can't? How about nothing. Some sand almost killed him. I know what you're thinking: can't a rock kill me? Fuck you. Not important. And where the hell does everyone find kryptonite? Everyone I fight has some fucking kryptonite. You know why? Cause that's my only weakness! I only have ONE! Spiderman is vulnerable to bullets, falling rubble, knives, long falls without buildings near by, bombs, nunchucks, and my fist.
And what good does his mask do in keeping his identity a secret when I can just use my x-ray vision to see through it? You can't see through my costume. I completely change my appearance. Do you have any idea how hard it is to recognize someone who usually wears glasses once they take them off? Fucking impossible.
Question: when is the last time Spiderman got injured and started bleeding? Answer: recently. When did I last bleed? How about never. And if I did bleed I would bleed pure sweetness. Bees would get pissed off cause my blood would be sweeter than anything they could ever make. Speaking of bees, they can't sting me cause I'm made of steel.
Tights! I started the trend! Nobody wore tights before me. I guess Spiderman isn't too original, eh? (Emo little bitch). Grow some facial hair, peachfuzz. He looks like a little boy playing dress up. Trying to be like his hero, the man with the 'S' on his chest... me, baby!
I know what you are thinking: when is the last time Spiderman froze shit with his breath? Let me think about that one. Maybe never? Yup, never. Spiderman can't catch a plan that is falling, either. He is just too slow and weak to dominate shit like I do.
I've got to jet - and by jet I mean fly faster than a jet. I'm just gonna fly around the world, maybe save it. I do what I want, when I want, where I want. That's the license you get when you are sculpted out of pure sweetness.
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