Most Satisfying Poop Ever!

Boston, MA

  Every guy loves to poop. And every guy loves spy movies. I just combined the two and had the most satisfying poop ever!

  To start, I was feeling pretty gassy, but a little sneaky, too. I knew that I only had a little time, but some adventure always helps heighten your poop sensitivity. So I decided to go into work for some "overtime." Hahaha, they'll never expect it!

  I decided to walk to work to get the juices flowing. Nothing makes you want to poop like a 2 mile walk and half-a-dozen cigarettes. As I approach the building I arrive at my first hurdle. The door. I don't have weekend access to the building, but I also can't hack into the mainframe and unlock the doors on the perimeter. Shit. I knew this would happen.

  "Excuse me."

  A woman I don't know walks out the door. Bingo. Luck favors the prepared, and I've been planning this poop for four months.

  I walk into the building with a little bit of a swagger. Not like TI swaggers. No. No one on the corner can swagger like him. But the swagger of a gentleman who is prepared to play a little trickery on some unsuspecting co-workers.

  Before I go on I should take some time to clarify. I take a mean poop. I mean angry. If Chuck Norris took a poop, my poop would sneak attack it. When you've got it, you've got it. Also, I name my poops. Not every individual poop, of course, but the aura of the poop. Today was going to be a nice little guy known as "The Lingering Messiah." Let there be peace, my friends.

  So with The Messiah on board I knew this would be an epic bowel movement. Epic like The Odyssey, only more epic than that. And if executed properly it would be the talk of the office on Monday. God I'm good. I'm so good I'm like an unexpected crappy pun.

  I'm inside the building and my favorite guard is on duty. Haha, duty. I've been making idle conversation with all of the security guards lately to ensure easy access to the office on just this occasion. I chat briefly with Security Guard Carl before asking if I can get in to grab a few papers I accidentally forgot. After a few tense seconds Carl obliged. Good thing, too. I didn't want to have to go secret agent on Carl. If I broke his neck I'd have to hide the body, and I didn't know if I could hold in the poop for that long.

  After getting past Carl I was sure I would be pooping in no time. If you are anything like me you are careful with how relaxed you get when a poop is coming. On a need-to-poop scale of 1-10 (1 being no need and 10 being Alli and donuts) a focused 4 becomes a 9 if you become too relaxed. But I had just cleared my last obstacle, so I let my guard down. Mistake #1.

  I find myself in an 8 situation. At an 8 you have to hasten your pace in order to make it to the bathroom with enough time to wipe the seat off before you sit. Needless to say, I was no longer sauntering. But as I turn the corner toward the bathroom entrance I hear the printer. Shit! Someone's here! I quickly rack my brain to see if there is another entrance to the bathroom, but no luck. One way in. One way out. My heart begins to speed up.

  I know that the only way I can poop in peace is to eliminate all distractions. So I use my spy-brain to invent a plan. I'm a spy and an inventor. Fuck you, Bourne. But stopping a poop countdown is like stopping a piss mid-stream. It's disheartening and your stomach starts to hurt. Time is short.

  Fortunately I had a few aces up my sleeve. I knew I'd have to ditch my phone sooner or later if I wanted 100% of my focus to be on pooping, so I scuttled over to my desk and set my phone alarm for 1 minute later. I speed-walk back to my hiding place around the corner from the bathroom and watch my plan unfurl. Like clockwork a minute passes and I hear my phone alarm start going off. I hear footsteps as the diligent employee goes to discover the source of the noise. Wasting no time relishing my victory I make my move - I'm at a 9 now and that speed-walk nearly pushed me over the edge.

  I rush into the bathroom, make a b-line for the handicap stall, and I'm in. My 8 becomes a great as my plan comes to fruition. As is tradition with The Lingering Messiah, I say a little prayer of thanks for these gifts I'm about to give.

  Everything is going well when I realize there is no toilet paper. Rookie mistake #2. I always spot before I squat. I must be stressed. I cough a little bit, trying to see if I can hear anyone else in the bathroom. No one. Perfect. I shuffle to the next stall and execute a little thievery. One roll of TP? Check. I shuffle back to my stall and fall back on the seat. That was the toughest fifteen seconds of my life.

  One more step and I'll finally be able to poop. I pull a short story from my pocket. A poop is only as good as the reading material, I always say. If it is too short you are left with nothing to do. If it is too long you don't get to finish and you have to drag out the poop to the point of frustration. This story is perfect - not too short, not too long, and mindless enough to allow me to maintain my poop focus.

  Ten minutes and one Messiah later I exit the building, a smile on my face as spacious as the leg room in the handicap stall. Success. On my way home I treat myself to a Chipotle burrito in preparation for the evening. No rest for the weary. 

  

Sam's Club to Be Renamed "Heman Woman Haters' Club"

Bentonville, AR

  Sam's Club CEO Mike Duke announced Wednesday at the Annual Company Forum that the company will be revamping its membership requirements, along with its name. Beginning September 15th, Sam's Club will become the Heman Woman Haters' Club (HWHC) and membership will no longer depend on paying club fees, but whether the applicant meets a long list of requirements, from personality to physical traits and talents.

  Retail Week deputy editor George MacDonald notes that the exclusivity of the most respected clubs and organizations in the world directly correlates to the loyalty members maintain to that group over time. And if the HWHC is able to restrict its membership to a select few individuals it is likely they will see drastic increases in repeat customers and company loyalty.

  Operating under this philosophy, the Club will tighten its acceptance standards in order to focus on a core group of guests. Duke announced, "We think we can improve customer service at least twenty percent by only admitting a small percentage of applicants." When asked just how exclusive the Club would become, Duke said the average HWHC location could anticipate about 14 guests in any given day.

  The HWHC's new website details the specifications for membership and the common interests of the less than twenty members. "Any less than ten guests per store and our employees may become lethargic. Any more than twenty-five and we could expect decreased customer service."

  With the focus of companies in the current recession on customer care, the Heman Woman Haters' Club has raised the bar among retailers. From customer advice forums online to monthly poker games at Vice President Rolando Rodriguez's house, the newly revamped HWHC is offering every customer, from rich to slightly less rich (the poor are not eligible for membership), a say in how the company is run. And according to Rodriguez, that say starts now.

  "The average Sam's Club guest might come shopping for anything from Lean Cuisine to toilet paper to beer. But statistics indicate the average Heman Woman Hater only wants premium malt whiskey and single blade razors." Rodriguez then announced plans for the company to reduce the number of items it carries from 14,098 to just 53 by next July.

  Items remaining in the stores will be the most consistently purchased and demanded by the average Heman Woman Hater, according to the HWHC website. These items will come from 14 key areas of interest for the HWHC member: porterhouse steaks; hatchets; Chivas Scotch-whiskey; Busch beer; Gillette single-blade razors; trucker hats; Copenhagan chewing tobacco; Marlboro cigarettes; pistols; pornographic movies; footballs; sports coats; Samuel L. Jackson movies; and body paint.

  Membership admittance will depend on personal, emotional, and physical requirements. Individuals will be judged on the following criteria: sense of humor; ability to lie convincingly; sexual preference; emotional stability; tact; gender; height and weight; wealth; timed 60-meter shuttle run; heritage; snacking preferences; business-card style (if no business card can be provided, an arm-wrestling competition will determine how compelling a potential member can probably be); ability to grow facial hair; and whether or not the applicant can answer the question, 'Who would win - Ditka or a Hurricane?'

  Accompanying plans to narrow the selection process for members, the new HWHC has begun construction on three new stores referred to as "Clubhouses." Each Clubhouse will be constructed at the top of a giant redwood in the Sequioa National Park in California. environmentalists have spoken out against the Heman Woman Haters' Club for the massive deforestation that Operation Clubhouse will require. Duke quickly dismissed the accusations of irresponsibility, noting that "the damn treehuggers could never join our club anyway."

  Of the more than 500 Sam's Club locations nationwide, 300 are expected to have been converted to Heman Woman Haters Clubs by 2011, with the remaining 200 following within the next year. Every store entrance will be displaying the new company maxim of "No Girls Allowed" before the holiday season. Any girl attempting to gain entrance will be greeted by a waterballoon pelting, hoots and hollers, and the passing of gas.

Coca-Cola Announces "Coke Million"

Atlanta, GA

  Ever since the release of Coke Zero, Coca-Cola stock has been on the rise. And with Cherry Coke Zero finding similar success it seemed the zero-calorie, health-food trend was only increasing in the carbonated beverage market.

  But with the recent launch and bomb of Diet Coke Plus, a cola with vitamins and minerals added directly into the drink, the food and drink industry is questioning the longevity of the health kick in America. Some companies are even viewing the failure of Diet Coke plus as a sign that the trend is reversing and soon consumers will be seeking new products with even more calories.

  In a recent press release, Coca-Cola CEO Neville Isdell announced plans for the newest Coke product: Coke Million. "We are thrilled with the success of Coke Zero, but we cannot be content. With new Coke Million we will appeal not only to the healthy Americans, but the fatties and gluttons as well." And with obesity becoming an ever-increasing epidemic in the United States, Isdell is predicting Coke Million to be a hit.

  Food enthusiast and local fatass Carl Hilton recalls his own predicament. "Whenever I go to McDonald's, Burger King, Taco Bell, or any other fast food restaurant I struggle to find the size drink that fits me. The closest I've ever come is the 7-Eleven Xtreme Big Gulp." But with the Xtreme Big Gulp only providing 52-ounces of soda at a time, translating to a meager 650 calories, obese Americans are finding it nearly impossible to quench their thirst.

  Coke Million will mirror the Coca-Cola flavor, but will only come in one size: mini-keg. The new mini-kegs will provide consumers with over 2200 calories per serving, or 210% of their daily carbohydrate allowance and over 570 grams of sugar - "Enough sugar to kill a small child," Isdell proudly confirmed.

  "I'll never be thirsty again!" shouted an elated Hilton between bites of Triple Whopper. And the best part of the new Coke Million? It will be sold in all stores and restaurants that carry Coca-Cola products by Christmas.

  The new beverage is anticipated to cost $23, but each customer receives a hand-stamp allowing them free refills for the rest of the day, making it well worth the price of admission.

  A successful launch will yield significant opportunity for the Coca-Cola Corporation and all of its stock holders. Plans for flavored versions of the new drink are currently in the works. But instead of Cherry Coke Million or Coke Million with Lime, the new line will team up with Mars Incorporated to launch Milky-Way, Twix, and Snickers flavors of Coke Million. The soda will not actually be flavored, but the keg will come with chunks of the actual candy bars mixed in with the beverage, offering consumers a special treat and an easy way to maintain their weight, hassle free.

Obituaries

Mr. Peanut Dies from Allergic Reaction to Self

Arlington, TX

  Mr. Peanut, the American icon, was found dead in his apartment Friday morning in a small cottage in East Arlington. A call was made to paramedics at 9:12am by wife Mrs. Peanut after finding her husband unconscious and not breathing. Seven minutes later when the EMT arrived, it was too late.

  Resuscitation attempts were delayed by Mr. Peanut's saltiness as the would-be rescuers were forced to take constant water breaks to rehydrate. "It was like giving mouth-to-mouth to a bullion cube," said Pat Blinket, a disheartened medic. "We did everything we could, but it just wasn't enough to save that delicious little man."

  An autopsy revealed the death was the result of an extreme allergic reaction to the protein found in peanuts. Mr. peanut's assistant, Tony Goebl, commented in a TV interview the morning after the accident, "He was quite the handful, pun intended. It's ironic that the world's most famous peanut is allergic to himself. I had to make sure he never got stressed out, cause if he did he would lick his lips and die."

  Mr. Peanut was 90 years old. He was best-if-eaten-by 2012.

Child Dies of Boredom in Church

  After 45 minutes of complaining that he was dying of boredom, little Ryan Sturgis literally passed away as a result of the dullness.

Death by Chocolate No Longer Just a Cliche

  Susan Peterson discovered the hard way that death by chocolate is not just a phrase. She consumed 27 boxes of Valentine's Day chocolates Thursday evening. Friends say she was homely and must have bought them for herself.

Employee Fires Boss

Spokane, WA

  Since the opening of the Northtown Mall Starbucks the uptown area has received a double-shot of energy. From Mocha Frappuccinos to Grande Caramel Lattes, mall patrons are drinking in the opportunity to sip as they shop. But the mood was anything but grande Monday afternoon when, in a startling turn of events, newly hired employee Tanya Ferguson fired her boss.

  "I just didn't like him," commented 16-year old Tanya as she handed a customer a tall coffee. "It was always about what he wanted, never about me." Monday Ferguson was subjected to another bout of selfish management from recently promoted Cody Gorman when the line was out the door and Gorman asked her to stop smoking by the muffins and help make the orders.

  "I asked her politely to help the rest of the staff, but then she just flipped out and fired me! How am I supposed to make rent, now?" wept Gorman, halfway through a chocolate-caramel brownie.

  Gorman took over the Northtown Mall location in January after successfully implementing the unique Starbucks ordering lingo into the everyday vocabulary of the guests in Maplewood. Long-time coffee drinker Sue Boler was one of the first to buy in to the Starbucks language. "It's more of a mindset than a drink. My order changes depending on if I'm feeling tall, grande, or vente. And since I started speaking Starbucks I know exactly what to order if I'm having a frappy day."

  But no amount of whip-cream could sweeten Gorman's bitter day. Eye-witnesses claim that following the incident, the newly-unemployed manager took off his apron and threw it at Ferguson shouting, "You're not the boss of me! I quit!"

  "In hindsight, she wasn't the boss of me," Gorman realized, less than twenty-four hours after hanging up his green Starbucks visor for the last time. The depressed ex-manager spent the night following his firing prank-calling the Starbucks delivery window and ordering pornographic videos under his roommate's name. One gallon of Edy's Peppermint ice cream later, Gorman received a call from the owner of the Northtown Starbucks.

  Owner and long-time friend Joshua Orton regrets the situation, but claims it was out of his hands after Gorman spit in a senior citizen's drink. "Who orders a black coffee at Starbucks!" retorts Gorman. "The bastard can't even order right! It's tall, not small!"

  Ferguson later quit after Gorman's replacement was discovered to be "a fascist."

I'm So Much Better Than that Little Bitch Spiderman

Opinion

By: Superman

  So I was flying around today - that's right, flying - when I heard with my super hearing a debate on who is better: Superman or Spiderman. Well let me tell you something: Spiderman is a pussy.

  Sure swinging from webs and climbing up walls would be cool... if you like little boys. Me? I'd rather punch through a wall with my superhuman strength or outrun a bullet. And if my chili ever gets cold I'll just zap it with my laser eyes to give it a quick reheat. Why am I such a badass? I can't help it. I break bitches.

  I'll give a few examples of my being the shit for you to consider. Yes I am more powerful than a locomotive and can jump over buildings, but did you know I outran the Flash? And how about the fact that I have been shot in the eye before and proceeded to yawn. When's the last time Spiderman was shot in the eye? Probably never.

  And doesn't a spider have eight legs? How can I respect a "Spider" man when he doesn't even have the correct number of appendages. That's right, I said appendages instead of limbs or legs. Guess that whiny slut Peter Parker isn't so smart now, is he?

  And what the hell is the deal with his web? He creates it himself! It's not even a super-power. All the guy does is cling to things. How about he clings to my jock then steps aside so a real superhero can save people and knock shit down.

  Sidenote: Mary-Jane is a slut.

  So masks are for perverts and bank robbers. You know what I do to bank robbers? I wrap them up in steel bars until they cry. Then I laugh heartily. That's just how I roll. And by roll I mean fly. I can fly higher than buildings. I can fly in space. I don't even need oxygen. I breathe pure badass.

  What can Spiderman do that I can't? How about nothing. Some sand almost killed him. I know what you're thinking: can't a rock kill me? Fuck you. Not important. And where the hell does everyone find kryptonite? Everyone I fight has some fucking kryptonite. You know why? Cause that's my only weakness! I only have ONE! Spiderman is vulnerable to bullets, falling rubble, knives, long falls without buildings near by, bombs, nunchucks, and my fist.

  And what good does his mask do in keeping his identity a secret when I can just use my x-ray vision to see through it? You can't see through my costume. I completely change my appearance. Do you have any idea how hard it is to recognize someone who usually wears glasses once they take them off? Fucking impossible.

  Question: when is the last time Spiderman got injured and started bleeding? Answer: recently. When did I last bleed? How about never. And if I did bleed I would bleed pure sweetness. Bees would get pissed off cause my blood would be sweeter than anything they could ever make. Speaking of bees, they can't sting me cause I'm made of steel.

  Tights! I started the trend! Nobody wore tights before me. I guess Spiderman isn't too original, eh? (Emo little bitch). Grow some facial hair, peachfuzz. He looks like a little boy playing dress up. Trying to be like his hero, the man with the 'S' on his chest... me, baby!

  I know what you are thinking: when is the last time Spiderman froze shit with his breath? Let me think about that one. Maybe never? Yup, never. Spiderman can't catch a plan that is falling, either. He is just too slow and weak to dominate shit like I do.

  I've got to jet - and by jet I mean fly faster than a jet. I'm just gonna fly around the world, maybe save it. I do what I want, when I want, where I want. That's the license you get when you are sculpted out of pure sweetness.

Samuel L. Jackson to Only Star in Movies with "Snake" in Title

Hollywood, CA

  In a shocking Today Show interview Monday morning, actor Samuel L. Jackson made public his refusal to act in any movie not including the word "Snake" in the title. The announcement came just days after Jackson turned down the part of Martin Luther King, Jr. in a new film to be directed by Stephen Spielberg. The star of such classics as Pulp Fiction and Deep Blue Sea reportedly beat out Denzel Washington and Isaiah Thomas for the monumental role, but cited personal reasons for turning it down.

  "I don't feel that playing Martin Luther King, Jr will thrill my fans to the extent my previous roles have," claimed Jackson later in the interview. "When during the Civil Rights Movement did Dr. King fight multiple snakes? Or even one snake, God Dammit?!" Movie critics seem to understand Jackson's logic, but skeptics remain and the internet has already exploded with controversy over Jackson's decision.

  Civil Rights Historian and blogger Karl Wistler sees Jackson's decision as "selfish" and "unintelligible," claiming his previous roles were too far-fetched to gain him any credibility in the acting community. According to Wistler America needs superior acting like Jackson's to truly appreciate the role the Civil Rights Movement played in shaping the country. A recent People magazine article seems to support this thesis, pointing to Jackson's characters in Star Wars and 1408 as "fictitious" and "probably not based on real-life people."

  Despite the negative press Jackson has received, the superstar is not lacking any support as the Samuel L. Jackson fansite (ichokebitches.com) has received more hits this week than any other since its creation by Jackson himself nearly two decades ago. "I've got my fans, God Dammit!" the star shouted out of his car window as he drove past a small child on a tricycle.

  While most fans have used the comment board feature of the site to tirelessly quote Snakes on a Plane, a few individuals - likely deprived of sex, alcohol, and their hands - have taken the opportunity to offer philosophical debates on why Jackson might make such a monumental decision. According to saywhatagainXOXO, "Mr. Jackson's dialogue in Pulp Fiction was more profound than either Kierkegaard or Nietzsche. By binding himself with the snake, he is offering an explanation for the existence of man." Jackson, himself, responded to the post only twelve seconds later with one of his own stating, "Shut the fuck up, God Dammit!"

  friend and The Man co-star Eugene Levy sympathizes with Jackson's decision. "He [Jackson] made a lot of money with his snake movies (Snakes on a Plane and Black Snake Moan). Who can blame him for wanting to keep that high going?"

  But what began as a reasonable career choice may be turning into an obsession. A press release from Jackson's agent, Samuel L. Jackson, details plans for all of Jackson's current movies to be re-released with "Snake" replacing parts of the title. "We have seen a trend," said Jackson, "that America wants to see me in movies with snakes, God Dammit! Deep Blue Snake, bitch!"

  Immediate re-releases will include Star Wars (Snake Wars - Episode I: The Phantom Snakace; Episode II: Atack of the Snakes; Episode III: Revenge of the Snake), XXX (SnakeSnakeSnake; Snake of the Union), Unbreakable (Unsnakeable), A Time to Kill (A Snake to Kill), 1408 (1408 Snakes) - "What could be more exciting than 1408 snakes, God Dammit!" Jackson questioned as he spit on a puppy for not being a snake - and Shaft (Snake).

All my Babies has Amurrrican Names

Opinion - Betsy Lou Walker

Hey y'all! It's me! Betsy-Lou! Wooh! E'er since them Israqis bombed those buildings in that city people have been all crazy like they ain't too proud to be Amurrrican. Well all my babies is named after Amurrica. Check it out:

• Liberty Walker
  
• Truth Walker
  
• Justice Walker
  
• Freedom Walker
  
• Melting Pot Walker
• Star-Spangled Banner Walker
• Let Freedom Ring Walker
• Bald Eagle Walker
• American Flag Walker
• Red, White, & Blue Walker
• 50 Stars Walker
• Oh Say Can You See Walker
• Democracy Walker
• Pabst Blue Ribbon Walker
• President Bush Walker
• American Dream Walker
• Uncle Sam Walker
• Washington, D.C. Walker
• Pull-Yourself-Up-By-Your-Own-Bootstraps Walker

I love Amurrrica! And my babies is gonna love it, too! Wooooh!

FDA Approves Sale of Patriotism, Government Outsources Production

Made in and/or out of America

Ingredients: Hope; Opportunity; Trust; Bald Eagle Tears

It is a craze that is sweeping the nation and capturing the endless, unquestioning, often misguided love and trust of today's youth. A drug as potent as LSD and as addictive as heroin. Patriotism. But this drug makes you feel as good as a white man getting a promotion over a minority or woman without all of the nagging side effects of most illegal narcotics or racial slurs.

Perhaps that is why the FDA overwhelmingly approved the sale of Patriotism last Thursday.

"Patriotism is a lucrative business and we believe the government is probably as good as anyone to monopolize that business," said FDA Public Relations Chair Harvey Listler.

But allegations have begun to surface claiming the government is planning on out-sourcing all the jobs that will be created in the production of Patriotism. White House Secretary of Public Relations, Leslie Baker, responded, "While it is regrettable that the sale of Patriotism will not create jobs for hard-working Americans we should focus on the positives. We will now be able to buy all the Patriotism we need: flags; pennants; t-shirts; novelty key chains; postcards; textbooks; cell-phone covers; ringtones; pants with little American flags on them; and boxers with Uncle Sam saying "I want you!" and pointing where the penis would be.

"Think of it this way," Baker continued, "We're outsourcing jobs, but we are insourcing freedom."

Baker's response was largely criticized as comedian Chris Rock declared, "Of course they outsourcing the Patriotism jobs. Thank God they outsourcing those jobs! Cause you know if they made that shit here it wouldn't say Made in China or Made in Ecuador. It'd say Made by some poor niggas!"

But despite the political backlash that former President Bush is experiencing for his support of the outsourcing, he is standing strong by his decision. "I truly believe that we deserve Patriotism... but so do the Americans born and raised in foreign countries."