Most Satisfying Poop Ever!

Boston, MA

  Every guy loves to poop. And every guy loves spy movies. I just combined the two and had the most satisfying poop ever!

  To start, I was feeling pretty gassy, but a little sneaky, too. I knew that I only had a little time, but some adventure always helps heighten your poop sensitivity. So I decided to go into work for some "overtime." Hahaha, they'll never expect it!

  I decided to walk to work to get the juices flowing. Nothing makes you want to poop like a 2 mile walk and half-a-dozen cigarettes. As I approach the building I arrive at my first hurdle. The door. I don't have weekend access to the building, but I also can't hack into the mainframe and unlock the doors on the perimeter. Shit. I knew this would happen.

  "Excuse me."

  A woman I don't know walks out the door. Bingo. Luck favors the prepared, and I've been planning this poop for four months.

  I walk into the building with a little bit of a swagger. Not like TI swaggers. No. No one on the corner can swagger like him. But the swagger of a gentleman who is prepared to play a little trickery on some unsuspecting co-workers.

  Before I go on I should take some time to clarify. I take a mean poop. I mean angry. If Chuck Norris took a poop, my poop would sneak attack it. When you've got it, you've got it. Also, I name my poops. Not every individual poop, of course, but the aura of the poop. Today was going to be a nice little guy known as "The Lingering Messiah." Let there be peace, my friends.

  So with The Messiah on board I knew this would be an epic bowel movement. Epic like The Odyssey, only more epic than that. And if executed properly it would be the talk of the office on Monday. God I'm good. I'm so good I'm like an unexpected crappy pun.

  I'm inside the building and my favorite guard is on duty. Haha, duty. I've been making idle conversation with all of the security guards lately to ensure easy access to the office on just this occasion. I chat briefly with Security Guard Carl before asking if I can get in to grab a few papers I accidentally forgot. After a few tense seconds Carl obliged. Good thing, too. I didn't want to have to go secret agent on Carl. If I broke his neck I'd have to hide the body, and I didn't know if I could hold in the poop for that long.

  After getting past Carl I was sure I would be pooping in no time. If you are anything like me you are careful with how relaxed you get when a poop is coming. On a need-to-poop scale of 1-10 (1 being no need and 10 being Alli and donuts) a focused 4 becomes a 9 if you become too relaxed. But I had just cleared my last obstacle, so I let my guard down. Mistake #1.

  I find myself in an 8 situation. At an 8 you have to hasten your pace in order to make it to the bathroom with enough time to wipe the seat off before you sit. Needless to say, I was no longer sauntering. But as I turn the corner toward the bathroom entrance I hear the printer. Shit! Someone's here! I quickly rack my brain to see if there is another entrance to the bathroom, but no luck. One way in. One way out. My heart begins to speed up.

  I know that the only way I can poop in peace is to eliminate all distractions. So I use my spy-brain to invent a plan. I'm a spy and an inventor. Fuck you, Bourne. But stopping a poop countdown is like stopping a piss mid-stream. It's disheartening and your stomach starts to hurt. Time is short.

  Fortunately I had a few aces up my sleeve. I knew I'd have to ditch my phone sooner or later if I wanted 100% of my focus to be on pooping, so I scuttled over to my desk and set my phone alarm for 1 minute later. I speed-walk back to my hiding place around the corner from the bathroom and watch my plan unfurl. Like clockwork a minute passes and I hear my phone alarm start going off. I hear footsteps as the diligent employee goes to discover the source of the noise. Wasting no time relishing my victory I make my move - I'm at a 9 now and that speed-walk nearly pushed me over the edge.

  I rush into the bathroom, make a b-line for the handicap stall, and I'm in. My 8 becomes a great as my plan comes to fruition. As is tradition with The Lingering Messiah, I say a little prayer of thanks for these gifts I'm about to give.

  Everything is going well when I realize there is no toilet paper. Rookie mistake #2. I always spot before I squat. I must be stressed. I cough a little bit, trying to see if I can hear anyone else in the bathroom. No one. Perfect. I shuffle to the next stall and execute a little thievery. One roll of TP? Check. I shuffle back to my stall and fall back on the seat. That was the toughest fifteen seconds of my life.

  One more step and I'll finally be able to poop. I pull a short story from my pocket. A poop is only as good as the reading material, I always say. If it is too short you are left with nothing to do. If it is too long you don't get to finish and you have to drag out the poop to the point of frustration. This story is perfect - not too short, not too long, and mindless enough to allow me to maintain my poop focus.

  Ten minutes and one Messiah later I exit the building, a smile on my face as spacious as the leg room in the handicap stall. Success. On my way home I treat myself to a Chipotle burrito in preparation for the evening. No rest for the weary.