Wal-Mart to Accept "Whatever is in Your Pocket" as Valid Payment

Birmingham, AL

In a floundering economy retailers everywhere are being forced to reconsider their profit models. Kohl's is bringing in product just to mark it down. K-mart has found a way to lose money with every sale while somehow staying in business. And it seems not even Wal-Mart is immune to the recession as, in an effort to gain market share, Wal-Mart made one of the boldest moves in retail history. In a press release last week the retail giant announced that it will begin accepting whatever is in the guest's pocket as valid payment for any good in the store.

Wal-Mart President and CEO Mike Duke expanded on the idea in a recent CNN interview. "We realized that guests want to buy our products, but they often can't afford to pay us our already low-low prices. So, beginning on August 30th, we will accept whatever is in a guest's pocket as valid legal tender for any product in the store."

Economists everywhere are hailing the decision as "the most forward looking move in retail history." A quick look at the economic history of humanity reveals a very simple truth: even currency is based on a system of supply and demand. For example, a single, one-hundred dollar bill is worth more than a one-dollar bill as a result of rarity. A person is less likely to obtain a one-hundred dollar bill, so they desire it more. Operating under this logic, Wal-Mart very well may have identified a gold mine.

"No one knows how many bobby-pins or pennies there are in the world. But if we collect them all it stands to reason they'll be worth a ton!" Duke emphatically declared. "If anyone ever wants a penny they'll have to buy it from Wal-Mart for a dollar!"

An internet poll the next day returned alarming results as 78% of participants chose "The Devil Incarnate" when asked the question "What phrase most closely describes Wal-Mart." The other options included "A great place to shop," "The place I go when I'm bored," and "A company." Perhaps more alarming was the overwhelming response of "God damn right I would!" to the question "If Wal-Mart were the Devil Incarnate, would you continue to shop there for a good deal on cheap shit?"

Whatever Wal-Mart's motive for the addition of pocket lint to its list of accepted forms of payment, the strategy may actually work. In cities across the country fashionless, coked-out hicks are lining up at the retail giant's doors just waiting to buy more child-labor hoodies instead of frivolous necessities like shampoo or clean socks. So it seems - unless one of a competitor's smarter, more successful customers realizes they can buy everything in the store if they cut up a piece of paper small enough - Wal-Mart may be unstoppable.

Patriot Post: Canadian Government Speaks Out Against American Tourists Pretending to Be Canadian

  In his annual "Yes, We're A Country" reassurance speech, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper spoke out against the recent influx of American tourists pretending to be Canadian. "Quite frankly, we're fed up with it," Harper declared, "and we're tired of Americans tarnishing the good name of Canada."

  Yes, from syrup to Avril Lavigne, Canada sure is the bees knees when it comes to countries to be envious of. But despite Canada's lack of "real country" influence in the international realm, the half-nation continues to claim that it has "at least as much culture and heritage as Iowa."

  Perhaps it's the world's inability to give a shit about Canada that has compelled so many Americans to make the tourist conversion. Brian Carter, mountain biking enthusiast and avid tourist, explains the paradox of an American pretending to be Canadian. "As an American tourist you always have to answer questions like 'Do you live in New York City?' or 'Are you Lebron James?' or 'How dare your country police the globe?! I'll kill you!' But as a Canadian people tend to ignore you. Maybe they just assume you lack the intelligence to converse."

  But whatever the logic behind the seemingly uncool move, Americans keep pretending to be Canadian, and Canadians keep on pissing the world off just enough to be ignored instead of attacked. This begs the question that is undoubtedly on everyone's mind: why not invade Canada, violently overthrow their government, and begin the construction of New America? A nation with cities built to spell NEW-S-A when viewed from space. The Great Wall of China can fuck off.

  Authorities believe the incident that triggered Canada's self-hyping whine took place in a small town in Finland two days earlier. Canadian officials couldn't sleep for days after an American tourist wearing a Canada hockey jersey broke his leg trying to ice-skate at a local lake.

  Jonah Finky, assistant to the Mayor of Whitehorse, found himself contemplating suicide after the particularly embarrassing event. "If we lose hockey... if we lose the ice... we lose all hopes of relevancy and the perks that go along with it!"

  When that day finally comes, we will be just years away from New America.

Patriot Post:US Adopts Liechtenstein!

  Last Thursday, in the true spirit of Angelina Jolie, the United States government adopted the small country of Liechtenstein and "couldn't be more excited about the little guy!"

  Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, loser of the Democratic Primary and numerous beauty pageants, believes the adoption is exactly what the American people need. "We now have a baby brother, my fellow Americans," Hillary unattractively croaked during a recent CNN interview, "and with that, the opportunity to share our patriotism and shape his inconsequential future."

  But despite what congressmen say is the solution to all of America's care-taking defects, the adoption has been widely criticized by the media. Steven Colbert gibed on an episode of his hit Comedy Central show The Colbert Report that the US could now "pick up twice the chicks with half the diplomacy."

  The US pinky-swears to care for the inadequate nation to the point of military dominance.

Obituaries

Interesting Man Dies Uninteresting Death

  Josh Keller was an avid skydiver, cave-diver, and muff-diver. He wrangled cattle, ran with the bulls, and raped a woman so diseased that when a friend borrowed a bra she immediately went blind with syphilis. But on June 23rd, between interesting activities, Keller died a mundane death.

  Angela Keller, Josh's mother, notes, "That wasn't like Josh at all to die like that. He's usually so interesting." But just two weeks ago, seemingly void of surprise or intrigue, Josh Keller was struck with a heart attack in his average house while wearing a boring grey t-shirt and blue jeans.

  Friends gathered to reminisce at Keller's now empty residence. "Everything Josh did was interesting," recalled long-time friend Bobby Buschelli. "Except this boring death. He could have at least died while on the way to do something interesting."

  Keller's children echoed Buschelli's emotions as a recent pinky-swear declared referring to their somewhat-less-interesting-now father's death as anything but 'lame' was a $5 fine.

80-Year Old Cancer Patient Dies of Heart Disease

  Patrick Weston, 80-year old Warsaw, MA resident and long-time cancer patient, finally lost his struggle with heart disease. Family members declared that Weston would be "honored like a cancer victim."

Gambler Bets He Can Survive 12-story Fall

  Notorious Heartstown, PA gambling addict Samuel Flint died Wednesday shortly after betting friends he could survive a fall from the roof of a 12-story building. Tim Jenkins, co-worker and winner of the bet, used the profits in Flint's honor when later that week he shoved it into the hootch of a dirty stripper.

Celebrity Fallout: Eminem Accidentally Raps About Being a Pedophile

  The world was recently treated to what Time Magazine has dubbed "The Ultimate Celebrity Blunder" when star rapper Eminem accidentally rapped about being a pedophile at a concert in New Jersey. While Eminem denied the incident, video footage and multiple audio sources all confirm that the New Jersey performance of the smash hit Just Lose It blatantly declares Eminem's love for little boys.

  Indiana University psychology professor Robert Uldrige offered an explanation for the rapper's miscue. "It is not uncommon for a man or a woman to have what we call a Freudian Slip. This is where we say something that we do not mean as a result of a repressed subconscious desire."

  What's this mean? Lock up your children: an angry celebrity pedophile is on the loose! Community watch groups and PTA organizations around the country are gearing up for what some are referring to as "World War III-Year Old Boy."

  Donna Purdy, 17-year old single mother and lifelong Bloomington South resident, is calling concerned citizens to action. "We have to protect our children!"Purdy ironically cried just 9 months after failing a self-taught hanger abortion. "Children LOVE celebrities! Celebrities LOVE having sex with children! Our children are going to have sex with celebrities! Ahhhhh!"

  Studies have shown that Purdy is right. 9 out of 10 high school girls said they would have sex with a celebrity if he texted her. And 9 out of 10 high school boys said they would have sex with a celebrity if he got them out of school for the day. With kids so willing to have sex with celebrities, the world cannot afford for celebrities to chub around children.

  So what can we do to stop this onslaught of celebrity lust? Chloe Ferguson, publicist for Seventeen magazine, has a theory. "The only weapon on Earth strong enough to defeat celebrities is more celebrities. But the last thing we want to do is create more pedophiles. We need to find a way to convert these talented pedophiles back to a non-pedophilic state."

  But as simple as Ferguson's solution seems, there's a catch. "The only problem is celebrities are chameleons. As soon as one can sing they all can. As soon as one gets a baby they all do! And as soon as one starts raping young boys they all will. We need to make it cool again to not rape little kids after soccer practice."

  And a man in Ann Arbor, Michigan may have found the solution to America's infestation of horny, boy-loving celebrities. Martin Hodges logged on to a make-your-own t-shirt website, ordered two thousand various anti-raping shirts, and booked a ticket to Hollywood. Less than one month later Martin was out of shirts, and Hollywood children were a little less likely to get sodomized.

  It is now difficult to walk down Hollywood Boulevard without seeing one of Hodges witty, anti-rape shirts on a celebrity, most likely only refraining from forcing themselves on the young boy by the ice cream truck because of the strong message of the shirt. From "I only act rape. Not for real," to "We all get raped by gas prices... let's not make the young boys of the world get raped twice," celebrities across the nation are spreading the good word of Hodge's, "There's no rape in actor," clothing campaign. And with the national government completely out of ideas to put a stop to pedophilia, the nation's best hopes rest on these magical, "I think you're rape! I mean great! Rape is bad!" hoodies.

  Hodges can now be found selling "Fuck Ohio State" t-shirts outside of Michigan Stadium after Wolverine home games.

Most Satisfying Poop Ever!

Boston, MA

  Every guy loves to poop. And every guy loves spy movies. I just combined the two and had the most satisfying poop ever!

  To start, I was feeling pretty gassy, but a little sneaky, too. I knew that I only had a little time, but some adventure always helps heighten your poop sensitivity. So I decided to go into work for some "overtime." Hahaha, they'll never expect it!

  I decided to walk to work to get the juices flowing. Nothing makes you want to poop like a 2 mile walk and half-a-dozen cigarettes. As I approach the building I arrive at my first hurdle. The door. I don't have weekend access to the building, but I also can't hack into the mainframe and unlock the doors on the perimeter. Shit. I knew this would happen.

  "Excuse me."

  A woman I don't know walks out the door. Bingo. Luck favors the prepared, and I've been planning this poop for four months.

  I walk into the building with a little bit of a swagger. Not like TI swaggers. No. No one on the corner can swagger like him. But the swagger of a gentleman who is prepared to play a little trickery on some unsuspecting co-workers.

  Before I go on I should take some time to clarify. I take a mean poop. I mean angry. If Chuck Norris took a poop, my poop would sneak attack it. When you've got it, you've got it. Also, I name my poops. Not every individual poop, of course, but the aura of the poop. Today was going to be a nice little guy known as "The Lingering Messiah." Let there be peace, my friends.

  So with The Messiah on board I knew this would be an epic bowel movement. Epic like The Odyssey, only more epic than that. And if executed properly it would be the talk of the office on Monday. God I'm good. I'm so good I'm like an unexpected crappy pun.

  I'm inside the building and my favorite guard is on duty. Haha, duty. I've been making idle conversation with all of the security guards lately to ensure easy access to the office on just this occasion. I chat briefly with Security Guard Carl before asking if I can get in to grab a few papers I accidentally forgot. After a few tense seconds Carl obliged. Good thing, too. I didn't want to have to go secret agent on Carl. If I broke his neck I'd have to hide the body, and I didn't know if I could hold in the poop for that long.

  After getting past Carl I was sure I would be pooping in no time. If you are anything like me you are careful with how relaxed you get when a poop is coming. On a need-to-poop scale of 1-10 (1 being no need and 10 being Alli and donuts) a focused 4 becomes a 9 if you become too relaxed. But I had just cleared my last obstacle, so I let my guard down. Mistake #1.

  I find myself in an 8 situation. At an 8 you have to hasten your pace in order to make it to the bathroom with enough time to wipe the seat off before you sit. Needless to say, I was no longer sauntering. But as I turn the corner toward the bathroom entrance I hear the printer. Shit! Someone's here! I quickly rack my brain to see if there is another entrance to the bathroom, but no luck. One way in. One way out. My heart begins to speed up.

  I know that the only way I can poop in peace is to eliminate all distractions. So I use my spy-brain to invent a plan. I'm a spy and an inventor. Fuck you, Bourne. But stopping a poop countdown is like stopping a piss mid-stream. It's disheartening and your stomach starts to hurt. Time is short.

  Fortunately I had a few aces up my sleeve. I knew I'd have to ditch my phone sooner or later if I wanted 100% of my focus to be on pooping, so I scuttled over to my desk and set my phone alarm for 1 minute later. I speed-walk back to my hiding place around the corner from the bathroom and watch my plan unfurl. Like clockwork a minute passes and I hear my phone alarm start going off. I hear footsteps as the diligent employee goes to discover the source of the noise. Wasting no time relishing my victory I make my move - I'm at a 9 now and that speed-walk nearly pushed me over the edge.

  I rush into the bathroom, make a b-line for the handicap stall, and I'm in. My 8 becomes a great as my plan comes to fruition. As is tradition with The Lingering Messiah, I say a little prayer of thanks for these gifts I'm about to give.

  Everything is going well when I realize there is no toilet paper. Rookie mistake #2. I always spot before I squat. I must be stressed. I cough a little bit, trying to see if I can hear anyone else in the bathroom. No one. Perfect. I shuffle to the next stall and execute a little thievery. One roll of TP? Check. I shuffle back to my stall and fall back on the seat. That was the toughest fifteen seconds of my life.

  One more step and I'll finally be able to poop. I pull a short story from my pocket. A poop is only as good as the reading material, I always say. If it is too short you are left with nothing to do. If it is too long you don't get to finish and you have to drag out the poop to the point of frustration. This story is perfect - not too short, not too long, and mindless enough to allow me to maintain my poop focus.

  Ten minutes and one Messiah later I exit the building, a smile on my face as spacious as the leg room in the handicap stall. Success. On my way home I treat myself to a Chipotle burrito in preparation for the evening. No rest for the weary. 

  

Sam's Club to Be Renamed "Heman Woman Haters' Club"

Bentonville, AR

  Sam's Club CEO Mike Duke announced Wednesday at the Annual Company Forum that the company will be revamping its membership requirements, along with its name. Beginning September 15th, Sam's Club will become the Heman Woman Haters' Club (HWHC) and membership will no longer depend on paying club fees, but whether the applicant meets a long list of requirements, from personality to physical traits and talents.

  Retail Week deputy editor George MacDonald notes that the exclusivity of the most respected clubs and organizations in the world directly correlates to the loyalty members maintain to that group over time. And if the HWHC is able to restrict its membership to a select few individuals it is likely they will see drastic increases in repeat customers and company loyalty.

  Operating under this philosophy, the Club will tighten its acceptance standards in order to focus on a core group of guests. Duke announced, "We think we can improve customer service at least twenty percent by only admitting a small percentage of applicants." When asked just how exclusive the Club would become, Duke said the average HWHC location could anticipate about 14 guests in any given day.

  The HWHC's new website details the specifications for membership and the common interests of the less than twenty members. "Any less than ten guests per store and our employees may become lethargic. Any more than twenty-five and we could expect decreased customer service."

  With the focus of companies in the current recession on customer care, the Heman Woman Haters' Club has raised the bar among retailers. From customer advice forums online to monthly poker games at Vice President Rolando Rodriguez's house, the newly revamped HWHC is offering every customer, from rich to slightly less rich (the poor are not eligible for membership), a say in how the company is run. And according to Rodriguez, that say starts now.

  "The average Sam's Club guest might come shopping for anything from Lean Cuisine to toilet paper to beer. But statistics indicate the average Heman Woman Hater only wants premium malt whiskey and single blade razors." Rodriguez then announced plans for the company to reduce the number of items it carries from 14,098 to just 53 by next July.

  Items remaining in the stores will be the most consistently purchased and demanded by the average Heman Woman Hater, according to the HWHC website. These items will come from 14 key areas of interest for the HWHC member: porterhouse steaks; hatchets; Chivas Scotch-whiskey; Busch beer; Gillette single-blade razors; trucker hats; Copenhagan chewing tobacco; Marlboro cigarettes; pistols; pornographic movies; footballs; sports coats; Samuel L. Jackson movies; and body paint.

  Membership admittance will depend on personal, emotional, and physical requirements. Individuals will be judged on the following criteria: sense of humor; ability to lie convincingly; sexual preference; emotional stability; tact; gender; height and weight; wealth; timed 60-meter shuttle run; heritage; snacking preferences; business-card style (if no business card can be provided, an arm-wrestling competition will determine how compelling a potential member can probably be); ability to grow facial hair; and whether or not the applicant can answer the question, 'Who would win - Ditka or a Hurricane?'

  Accompanying plans to narrow the selection process for members, the new HWHC has begun construction on three new stores referred to as "Clubhouses." Each Clubhouse will be constructed at the top of a giant redwood in the Sequioa National Park in California. environmentalists have spoken out against the Heman Woman Haters' Club for the massive deforestation that Operation Clubhouse will require. Duke quickly dismissed the accusations of irresponsibility, noting that "the damn treehuggers could never join our club anyway."

  Of the more than 500 Sam's Club locations nationwide, 300 are expected to have been converted to Heman Woman Haters Clubs by 2011, with the remaining 200 following within the next year. Every store entrance will be displaying the new company maxim of "No Girls Allowed" before the holiday season. Any girl attempting to gain entrance will be greeted by a waterballoon pelting, hoots and hollers, and the passing of gas.

Coca-Cola Announces "Coke Million"

Atlanta, GA

  Ever since the release of Coke Zero, Coca-Cola stock has been on the rise. And with Cherry Coke Zero finding similar success it seemed the zero-calorie, health-food trend was only increasing in the carbonated beverage market.

  But with the recent launch and bomb of Diet Coke Plus, a cola with vitamins and minerals added directly into the drink, the food and drink industry is questioning the longevity of the health kick in America. Some companies are even viewing the failure of Diet Coke plus as a sign that the trend is reversing and soon consumers will be seeking new products with even more calories.

  In a recent press release, Coca-Cola CEO Neville Isdell announced plans for the newest Coke product: Coke Million. "We are thrilled with the success of Coke Zero, but we cannot be content. With new Coke Million we will appeal not only to the healthy Americans, but the fatties and gluttons as well." And with obesity becoming an ever-increasing epidemic in the United States, Isdell is predicting Coke Million to be a hit.

  Food enthusiast and local fatass Carl Hilton recalls his own predicament. "Whenever I go to McDonald's, Burger King, Taco Bell, or any other fast food restaurant I struggle to find the size drink that fits me. The closest I've ever come is the 7-Eleven Xtreme Big Gulp." But with the Xtreme Big Gulp only providing 52-ounces of soda at a time, translating to a meager 650 calories, obese Americans are finding it nearly impossible to quench their thirst.

  Coke Million will mirror the Coca-Cola flavor, but will only come in one size: mini-keg. The new mini-kegs will provide consumers with over 2200 calories per serving, or 210% of their daily carbohydrate allowance and over 570 grams of sugar - "Enough sugar to kill a small child," Isdell proudly confirmed.

  "I'll never be thirsty again!" shouted an elated Hilton between bites of Triple Whopper. And the best part of the new Coke Million? It will be sold in all stores and restaurants that carry Coca-Cola products by Christmas.

  The new beverage is anticipated to cost $23, but each customer receives a hand-stamp allowing them free refills for the rest of the day, making it well worth the price of admission.

  A successful launch will yield significant opportunity for the Coca-Cola Corporation and all of its stock holders. Plans for flavored versions of the new drink are currently in the works. But instead of Cherry Coke Million or Coke Million with Lime, the new line will team up with Mars Incorporated to launch Milky-Way, Twix, and Snickers flavors of Coke Million. The soda will not actually be flavored, but the keg will come with chunks of the actual candy bars mixed in with the beverage, offering consumers a special treat and an easy way to maintain their weight, hassle free.

Obituaries

Mr. Peanut Dies from Allergic Reaction to Self

Arlington, TX

  Mr. Peanut, the American icon, was found dead in his apartment Friday morning in a small cottage in East Arlington. A call was made to paramedics at 9:12am by wife Mrs. Peanut after finding her husband unconscious and not breathing. Seven minutes later when the EMT arrived, it was too late.

  Resuscitation attempts were delayed by Mr. Peanut's saltiness as the would-be rescuers were forced to take constant water breaks to rehydrate. "It was like giving mouth-to-mouth to a bullion cube," said Pat Blinket, a disheartened medic. "We did everything we could, but it just wasn't enough to save that delicious little man."

  An autopsy revealed the death was the result of an extreme allergic reaction to the protein found in peanuts. Mr. peanut's assistant, Tony Goebl, commented in a TV interview the morning after the accident, "He was quite the handful, pun intended. It's ironic that the world's most famous peanut is allergic to himself. I had to make sure he never got stressed out, cause if he did he would lick his lips and die."

  Mr. Peanut was 90 years old. He was best-if-eaten-by 2012.

Child Dies of Boredom in Church

  After 45 minutes of complaining that he was dying of boredom, little Ryan Sturgis literally passed away as a result of the dullness.

Death by Chocolate No Longer Just a Cliche

  Susan Peterson discovered the hard way that death by chocolate is not just a phrase. She consumed 27 boxes of Valentine's Day chocolates Thursday evening. Friends say she was homely and must have bought them for herself.

Employee Fires Boss

Spokane, WA

  Since the opening of the Northtown Mall Starbucks the uptown area has received a double-shot of energy. From Mocha Frappuccinos to Grande Caramel Lattes, mall patrons are drinking in the opportunity to sip as they shop. But the mood was anything but grande Monday afternoon when, in a startling turn of events, newly hired employee Tanya Ferguson fired her boss.

  "I just didn't like him," commented 16-year old Tanya as she handed a customer a tall coffee. "It was always about what he wanted, never about me." Monday Ferguson was subjected to another bout of selfish management from recently promoted Cody Gorman when the line was out the door and Gorman asked her to stop smoking by the muffins and help make the orders.

  "I asked her politely to help the rest of the staff, but then she just flipped out and fired me! How am I supposed to make rent, now?" wept Gorman, halfway through a chocolate-caramel brownie.

  Gorman took over the Northtown Mall location in January after successfully implementing the unique Starbucks ordering lingo into the everyday vocabulary of the guests in Maplewood. Long-time coffee drinker Sue Boler was one of the first to buy in to the Starbucks language. "It's more of a mindset than a drink. My order changes depending on if I'm feeling tall, grande, or vente. And since I started speaking Starbucks I know exactly what to order if I'm having a frappy day."

  But no amount of whip-cream could sweeten Gorman's bitter day. Eye-witnesses claim that following the incident, the newly-unemployed manager took off his apron and threw it at Ferguson shouting, "You're not the boss of me! I quit!"

  "In hindsight, she wasn't the boss of me," Gorman realized, less than twenty-four hours after hanging up his green Starbucks visor for the last time. The depressed ex-manager spent the night following his firing prank-calling the Starbucks delivery window and ordering pornographic videos under his roommate's name. One gallon of Edy's Peppermint ice cream later, Gorman received a call from the owner of the Northtown Starbucks.

  Owner and long-time friend Joshua Orton regrets the situation, but claims it was out of his hands after Gorman spit in a senior citizen's drink. "Who orders a black coffee at Starbucks!" retorts Gorman. "The bastard can't even order right! It's tall, not small!"

  Ferguson later quit after Gorman's replacement was discovered to be "a fascist."

I'm So Much Better Than that Little Bitch Spiderman

Opinion

By: Superman

  So I was flying around today - that's right, flying - when I heard with my super hearing a debate on who is better: Superman or Spiderman. Well let me tell you something: Spiderman is a pussy.

  Sure swinging from webs and climbing up walls would be cool... if you like little boys. Me? I'd rather punch through a wall with my superhuman strength or outrun a bullet. And if my chili ever gets cold I'll just zap it with my laser eyes to give it a quick reheat. Why am I such a badass? I can't help it. I break bitches.

  I'll give a few examples of my being the shit for you to consider. Yes I am more powerful than a locomotive and can jump over buildings, but did you know I outran the Flash? And how about the fact that I have been shot in the eye before and proceeded to yawn. When's the last time Spiderman was shot in the eye? Probably never.

  And doesn't a spider have eight legs? How can I respect a "Spider" man when he doesn't even have the correct number of appendages. That's right, I said appendages instead of limbs or legs. Guess that whiny slut Peter Parker isn't so smart now, is he?

  And what the hell is the deal with his web? He creates it himself! It's not even a super-power. All the guy does is cling to things. How about he clings to my jock then steps aside so a real superhero can save people and knock shit down.

  Sidenote: Mary-Jane is a slut.

  So masks are for perverts and bank robbers. You know what I do to bank robbers? I wrap them up in steel bars until they cry. Then I laugh heartily. That's just how I roll. And by roll I mean fly. I can fly higher than buildings. I can fly in space. I don't even need oxygen. I breathe pure badass.

  What can Spiderman do that I can't? How about nothing. Some sand almost killed him. I know what you're thinking: can't a rock kill me? Fuck you. Not important. And where the hell does everyone find kryptonite? Everyone I fight has some fucking kryptonite. You know why? Cause that's my only weakness! I only have ONE! Spiderman is vulnerable to bullets, falling rubble, knives, long falls without buildings near by, bombs, nunchucks, and my fist.

  And what good does his mask do in keeping his identity a secret when I can just use my x-ray vision to see through it? You can't see through my costume. I completely change my appearance. Do you have any idea how hard it is to recognize someone who usually wears glasses once they take them off? Fucking impossible.

  Question: when is the last time Spiderman got injured and started bleeding? Answer: recently. When did I last bleed? How about never. And if I did bleed I would bleed pure sweetness. Bees would get pissed off cause my blood would be sweeter than anything they could ever make. Speaking of bees, they can't sting me cause I'm made of steel.

  Tights! I started the trend! Nobody wore tights before me. I guess Spiderman isn't too original, eh? (Emo little bitch). Grow some facial hair, peachfuzz. He looks like a little boy playing dress up. Trying to be like his hero, the man with the 'S' on his chest... me, baby!

  I know what you are thinking: when is the last time Spiderman froze shit with his breath? Let me think about that one. Maybe never? Yup, never. Spiderman can't catch a plan that is falling, either. He is just too slow and weak to dominate shit like I do.

  I've got to jet - and by jet I mean fly faster than a jet. I'm just gonna fly around the world, maybe save it. I do what I want, when I want, where I want. That's the license you get when you are sculpted out of pure sweetness.

Samuel L. Jackson to Only Star in Movies with "Snake" in Title

Hollywood, CA

  In a shocking Today Show interview Monday morning, actor Samuel L. Jackson made public his refusal to act in any movie not including the word "Snake" in the title. The announcement came just days after Jackson turned down the part of Martin Luther King, Jr. in a new film to be directed by Stephen Spielberg. The star of such classics as Pulp Fiction and Deep Blue Sea reportedly beat out Denzel Washington and Isaiah Thomas for the monumental role, but cited personal reasons for turning it down.

  "I don't feel that playing Martin Luther King, Jr will thrill my fans to the extent my previous roles have," claimed Jackson later in the interview. "When during the Civil Rights Movement did Dr. King fight multiple snakes? Or even one snake, God Dammit?!" Movie critics seem to understand Jackson's logic, but skeptics remain and the internet has already exploded with controversy over Jackson's decision.

  Civil Rights Historian and blogger Karl Wistler sees Jackson's decision as "selfish" and "unintelligible," claiming his previous roles were too far-fetched to gain him any credibility in the acting community. According to Wistler America needs superior acting like Jackson's to truly appreciate the role the Civil Rights Movement played in shaping the country. A recent People magazine article seems to support this thesis, pointing to Jackson's characters in Star Wars and 1408 as "fictitious" and "probably not based on real-life people."

  Despite the negative press Jackson has received, the superstar is not lacking any support as the Samuel L. Jackson fansite (ichokebitches.com) has received more hits this week than any other since its creation by Jackson himself nearly two decades ago. "I've got my fans, God Dammit!" the star shouted out of his car window as he drove past a small child on a tricycle.

  While most fans have used the comment board feature of the site to tirelessly quote Snakes on a Plane, a few individuals - likely deprived of sex, alcohol, and their hands - have taken the opportunity to offer philosophical debates on why Jackson might make such a monumental decision. According to saywhatagainXOXO, "Mr. Jackson's dialogue in Pulp Fiction was more profound than either Kierkegaard or Nietzsche. By binding himself with the snake, he is offering an explanation for the existence of man." Jackson, himself, responded to the post only twelve seconds later with one of his own stating, "Shut the fuck up, God Dammit!"

  friend and The Man co-star Eugene Levy sympathizes with Jackson's decision. "He [Jackson] made a lot of money with his snake movies (Snakes on a Plane and Black Snake Moan). Who can blame him for wanting to keep that high going?"

  But what began as a reasonable career choice may be turning into an obsession. A press release from Jackson's agent, Samuel L. Jackson, details plans for all of Jackson's current movies to be re-released with "Snake" replacing parts of the title. "We have seen a trend," said Jackson, "that America wants to see me in movies with snakes, God Dammit! Deep Blue Snake, bitch!"

  Immediate re-releases will include Star Wars (Snake Wars - Episode I: The Phantom Snakace; Episode II: Atack of the Snakes; Episode III: Revenge of the Snake), XXX (SnakeSnakeSnake; Snake of the Union), Unbreakable (Unsnakeable), A Time to Kill (A Snake to Kill), 1408 (1408 Snakes) - "What could be more exciting than 1408 snakes, God Dammit!" Jackson questioned as he spit on a puppy for not being a snake - and Shaft (Snake).

All my Babies has Amurrrican Names

Opinion - Betsy Lou Walker

Hey y'all! It's me! Betsy-Lou! Wooh! E'er since them Israqis bombed those buildings in that city people have been all crazy like they ain't too proud to be Amurrrican. Well all my babies is named after Amurrica. Check it out:

• Liberty Walker
  
• Truth Walker
  
• Justice Walker
  
• Freedom Walker
  
• Melting Pot Walker
• Star-Spangled Banner Walker
• Let Freedom Ring Walker
• Bald Eagle Walker
• American Flag Walker
• Red, White, & Blue Walker
• 50 Stars Walker
• Oh Say Can You See Walker
• Democracy Walker
• Pabst Blue Ribbon Walker
• President Bush Walker
• American Dream Walker
• Uncle Sam Walker
• Washington, D.C. Walker
• Pull-Yourself-Up-By-Your-Own-Bootstraps Walker

I love Amurrrica! And my babies is gonna love it, too! Wooooh!

FDA Approves Sale of Patriotism, Government Outsources Production

Made in and/or out of America

Ingredients: Hope; Opportunity; Trust; Bald Eagle Tears

It is a craze that is sweeping the nation and capturing the endless, unquestioning, often misguided love and trust of today's youth. A drug as potent as LSD and as addictive as heroin. Patriotism. But this drug makes you feel as good as a white man getting a promotion over a minority or woman without all of the nagging side effects of most illegal narcotics or racial slurs.

Perhaps that is why the FDA overwhelmingly approved the sale of Patriotism last Thursday.

"Patriotism is a lucrative business and we believe the government is probably as good as anyone to monopolize that business," said FDA Public Relations Chair Harvey Listler.

But allegations have begun to surface claiming the government is planning on out-sourcing all the jobs that will be created in the production of Patriotism. White House Secretary of Public Relations, Leslie Baker, responded, "While it is regrettable that the sale of Patriotism will not create jobs for hard-working Americans we should focus on the positives. We will now be able to buy all the Patriotism we need: flags; pennants; t-shirts; novelty key chains; postcards; textbooks; cell-phone covers; ringtones; pants with little American flags on them; and boxers with Uncle Sam saying "I want you!" and pointing where the penis would be.

"Think of it this way," Baker continued, "We're outsourcing jobs, but we are insourcing freedom."

Baker's response was largely criticized as comedian Chris Rock declared, "Of course they outsourcing the Patriotism jobs. Thank God they outsourcing those jobs! Cause you know if they made that shit here it wouldn't say Made in China or Made in Ecuador. It'd say Made by some poor niggas!"

But despite the political backlash that former President Bush is experiencing for his support of the outsourcing, he is standing strong by his decision. "I truly believe that we deserve Patriotism... but so do the Americans born and raised in foreign countries."